The following is a transcript of the sideline conversation between President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III and U.S. President Barack Obama after the US-ASEAN conference in New York City:
P-Noy: President Obama, how are you?
Obama: I’m fine, President Aquino. How are you?
P-Noy: Well, it could be better.
Obama: I know what you mean. With the Tea Baggers, Birthers, Deathers, and Wingnuts hitting me left and right, I wish I were in your place.
P-Noy: I don’t think you’d want to be in my place, not with Luneta-gate, Jueteng-gate, the bishops, the Muslim rebels, the communist rebels, the Abu Sayyaf terrorists, Gloria Arroyo’s midnight appointees, the Ombudsman, the Arroyo Supreme Court, and the Hacienda Luisita farmers hitting me left and right. I wish I were in your place.
Obama: Well, we can be good friends, you know. Like they say, “misery loves company.” Hey, what shall I call you — Noynoy, Pee-Noy, Penoy?
P-Noy: Umm… Just call me Noy. Can I call you Barry?
Obama: No, no, no! I’m not Barry! Just call me Barack.
P-Noy: Hey, that sounds like “barako,” my favorite coffee! How about “Barakong Barack”? Hehehe…
Obama: That’s not funny, Noy. Do you want me to call you something else? I know of a good one. Anyway, I understand you’re a chain-smoker? Is that right?
P-Noy: Yep, but I’ve been trying to quit smoking. I heard you were able to quit smoking? How did you do that?
Obama: Noy, amigo, you must have cojones and the political will to quit smoking.
P-Noy: I think I got them both. (blink)
Obama: You think? You think?
P-Noy: No, no, no! I know I got them both. (blink blink)
Obama: Are you sure? I heard from my CIA Chief Leon Panetta that two of your top aides were receiving payola from jueteng lords. Is that true?
P-Noy: No! No! No! One of them was Rico Puno, my “shooting buddy.” He swore that it was a “demolition job” by jueteng lords who want to get him out of the way. And the other guy, Gen. Jesus Verzosa, swore that he never took protection money from the jueteng lords. (blink)
Obama: But wasn’t Verzosa’s wife with the “Euro generals” when they were caught in Moscow smuggling millions of Euros? Leon’s intel is pretty accurate, you know. So, you might want to monitor your two aides to make sure they’re not on the take and if they were you should fire them. Don’t you think so?
P-Noy: Of course, Barry… err… I mean barako… oops, Barack. Sorry. (blink blink)
Obama: Okay then, my friend. I gotta go. I have bilateral meetings with several Asian leaders to talk about U.S. economic and military aid to their countries.
P-Noy: How about us? (blink blink blink)
Obama: We’re already giving you $434 million in Millennium grants to fight corruption and poverty. However, we’re releasing the money over five years to make sure you’re using the money for what’s it for. If you’re not going to show progress in stamping out corruption and poverty, we’ll withdraw the remainder of the grant. So, let’s see what Leon’s going to report next time. Okay, Noy?
P-Noy: How about military aid to fight the Muslim and communist rebels? We don’t have warships and warplanes. (blink blink)
Obama: Well, what did you do with the millions we poured into your military?
P-Noy: Uhh… I don’t know. (blink) Ask Gloria… She was the president for the past nine and a half years. (blink blink)
Obama: I think I know what happened. Did it ever occur to you why some of your generals are living in mansions and palaces and losing millions gambling in casinos? That’s why we didn’t give Gloria the Millennium grant last year. We waited for you to take over because we have reasons to trust you.
P-Noy: Thank you… Ba… Barack. (blink)
Obama: You’re welcome. Now, I want to level with you. We have a Visiting Forces Agreement to help you fight the rebels. I know you have some politicians who are against VFA; however, it’s your job to keep the country safe and secure. At the end of the day, it’s your ass that’s on the line, my friend. It’s back to the question: do you have cojones and the political will to stand up to them? (pause) By the way, we’re also waiting for you to show some progress in prosecuting the “Euro generals.” We don’t want to see your military and national police tarnished by corrupt generals who’d pocket the military aid we’re giving you, right?
P-Noy: Okay, Barako… err… I mean, Barack, I promise the “Euro generals” will be prosecuted (blink blink).
Obama: Attaboy! That’s my man! Keep up the good work and we’ll set up a bilateral meeting in about a year, okay?
P-Noy: Yes, Barry… err… I mean, Mr. President (blink blink blink).
***
The recent six-day working visit of P-Noy in the U.S. can best be remembered when he ate hotdog at a corner stand in the Big Apple. Indeed, it was an excellent –- and inexpensive — marketing event that the whole episode has taken a new dimension; that is, “hotdog politics.” P-Noy’s use of trivia in politics is the new “thing” today. Yup, from “wang-wang politics” to “hotdog politics.”
A new movement of hotdog-eating Pinoys is growing fast. They’re known as the “P-Noy trekkies.” And they’ll follow their “Tito Noy” anywhere he goes in cyberspace. That’s hotdog power!
Indeed, the “hotdog revolution” has just begun!
(Blink)
