“Tolerance is the one essential ingredient in any happy marriage. It may not be quite so important when things are going well, but it is absolutely vital when things get difficult.”–HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, on his 50 years of marriage to Queen Elizabeth II
Tolerance within the precepts of two people in a relationship is a skill that involves kindness and understanding extended to each other with which habits, manners, opinion, ways of thinking, as well as emotions that may or may not be acceptable to one or the other and which either or both might not be accustomed to, are allowed. They will simply acquiesce because they believe that there is love between them and that their relationship is important to them.
On a larger scheme of things, tolerance is not only about relationships between two people in love. It pertains also to the kindness and understanding that we give to the people around us every day; our response to comments, criticisms, and occasional rudeness thrown at us are enough to elicit an amount of tolerance that would seal our fate with those people for the day or even for a lifetime. The validation of the tolerance that we extend will fuel and fortify the good rapport we have already established among certain persons in our respective circles. On the contrary, others who are not accepting of the same and who will not give up their stand and somehow wage war against us, need a greater amount of tolerance.
Human relations (friendships and friendly relationships) could be a bit complex because every person is naturally and uniquely equipped with a certain set of behavioral patterns and was brought up differently with culture and tradition intrinsic to his own.
This alone, in my opinion, is chaos.
Around others, we set aside prejudice, discrimination, beliefs, and/or morality as we put forward kindness, acceptance, and understanding. Depending on whatever circumstance we find ourselves in along the way, among a handful of friends, there are those who are around when it is convenient for them–the “fair-weather” types. Some, on the other hand, maybe practicing magic since they would be “here today, but gone tomorrow.”
What should be the extent of tolerance, and how much should we give others, especially to those whom we have fostered friendships with for a fairly long time? These people may have subjective views and opinions for or against us that may or may not be tainted with contempt. How can we manage tolerance among them?
The Dynamics of Tolerance
I believe tolerance should work both ways. Everyone should give it to others, as well as receives it in return. A relationship of any form–work/business, marriage, friendship, family, and/or even pets/animals–requires an amount of tolerance between each other for it to prosper. Consequently, before we turn to others for acceptance, it is but proper that we give our very selves kindness and understanding, accepting and eventually being tolerant to the very core of our humanity.
According to my readings, achieving peace and harmony within the four corners of the society we live in could be summarized in four simple tips:
*Know Your Feelings and Manage them Well*
You alone can change your emotions. When a certain person has caused you undue hurt and anger, initially, you revile him for how he made you feel because “he hurt or angered you.” However, you can turn your focus and emotions away from the person, and instead towards what he has done that made you feel that way.
*Keep an Open Mind*
Realize that people have not been brought up the same way (cultural practices, traditions, beliefs, etc.). They are also wired differently–evolutionarily speaking–thus, everyone behaves differently as well. Broaden your mind and widen your understanding.
*Practice Empathy / Shift Your Point of View*
Consider where the other person is coming from to fully understand why he feels a certain way. In an argument, we often take the familiar point of view forward on how we were hurt or how the other person was rude enough to make us feel hurt. Know the circumstances the other person is facing at the moment. Empathize.
*Practice Respect*
Recognize the fact that other people, in general, are wired differently; and that their opinions may or may not be the same as yours. Disagreeing should not mean hatred (of the person); it is more about standing by your own views without imposing these on him and, at the same time, respecting his own opinion. After all, everyone has the right to think and decide for oneself and to stand by what he chooses to adhere to or abide by.
Overall, tolerance is not merely “putting up with” or “accepting” others. It should be about recognizing and respecting other people’s beliefs, so long as these beliefs (i.e., cultures, traditions, practices, religions) do not impede on or gravely affect others.
*Currently working at the Philippine International Convention Center, where she began services 22 years ago, Kathryn Valladolid Ebrahim is an alumna of St. Scholastica’s College–Manila; she finished a degree in Bachelor of Arts, major in Sociology, at the University of Santó Tomás; drawing and writing are her primary avocations.
