Duterte’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2018

If I were President Rodrigo Duterte, this would be my New Year’s Resolution for 2018:

My fellow countrymen: First of all, I’d like to congratulate myself for surviving a tumultuous 2017. I feel that I have been blessed for being able to keep our country safe from the drug menace. Not that I have eradicated this social disease, but because there are now at least 12,000 hard-core drug users neutralized since I took office in 2016. Well, if my calculation is correct, there are still 3,988,000 drug users out there who need to be neutralized.

I promised to eradicate illegal drugs, criminality, and corruption within three to six months. But as you know I’ve been so naïve to think that there were only 20,000 drug addicts, who could easily be neutralized within six months. Gen. Bato, my trusted and capable Chief of the Philippine National Police assured me that it could have been done. But as it turns out there are four million drug addicts, not to mention the hundreds of Chinese drug lords that have been smuggling the illegal drug shabu right under the noses of Bureau of Customs officials. And God knows how many drug pushers there are in the distribution of shabu. Heck, they even tried to implicate my son and son-in-law in the smuggling of P6.4 billion worth of shabu. Well, I did the right: I fired the Commissioner right away!

I want to tell you my beloved Filipinos that I will protect you from the danger of illegal drugs. As you know I love the Philippines very much and I’ll do whatever it takes to get rid of drug addicts.

When an informant told the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) of the existence of a shabu laboratory operating inside a piggery and poultry farm, I sent PDEA agents to shut down the lab. The lab was concealed beneath a huge warehouse at the foot of Mt. Arayat and was just three kilometers from the regional police training center and the Central Luzon Drug Rehabilitation Center. The PDEA arrested seven Chinese nationals found in the compound, which makes me wonder: How many shabu laboratories Chinese drug lords in the country are operating?

Well, I don’t have the vaguest idea how many shabu labs exist but when I found out that there is a large shabu lab and distribution center in Marawi City, I ordered the Marines to arrest the drug kingpins in Marawi City who happen to be the leaders of the terrorist Maute group and Abu Sayyaf Group. But the terrorists have dug in the city in underground bunkers. I did the right thing when I declared martial law in Mindanao. It worked!

I ordered the Philippine Air Force to bomb the hell out of Marawi. After five months, the Marines killed the three leaders of the terrorists and hundreds of their followers. I was so proud of the Marines. To show my gratitude, I went to the frontline myself and pinned medals on them. I had to wear a combat helmet because I was so near the bombed out area. To tell you the truth, almost the entire city was obliterated from the aerial bombing. Somebody told me that it reminded him of when Intramuros was destroyed during World War II. I told him, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

There has been a lot of brouhaha from the international community lately because of the extrajudicial killings. The United Nations, the United States, and the European Union have no business poking their noses in the bloody business of neutralizing the drug pushers and users. As a sovereign nation, we have every right to chart our course and pursue an independent foreign policy. And as I promised you, there will be no let up in the war on drugs. That’s why I am authorizing Gen. Bato to get involved again in Oplan Tokhang, which is our main weapon in the war on drugs. I pray to God that the Supreme Court justices will not rule Olan Tokhang unconstitutional. If they do, I just might declare martial law and abolish the Supreme Court.

And believe me folks; we’re winning the war on drugs. Don’t believe the naysayers who are saying that there are now more drug users than when I started the campaign in July 2016. But if there’s any truth to what they’re saying, well, they should blame the Chinese drug lords for flooding the country with shabu from China.

Recently, I found out that smuggling shabu into the country is prevalent. Smuggling is so easy because the Philippines has one of the longest coastlines in the world. There is just no way that the Philippine Navy and Coast Guard could stop drug smuggling. Smugglers and shabu lab workers from China could come in and out easily by boat or airplane. The “chemists,” who are the key personnel in a shabu lab, usually travel first class.

I realized that the smuggling, manufacturing, and distribution of shabu can only be made possible with the collusion of corrupt politicians from the national level down to the barangays. Also playing a pivotal role in the drug trade are some elements of the military and police. I also heard that there are personnel in Malacanang – they might even be close to me — who provide protection to those involved in the drug trade. I still have to find out who these people are. But I will, I promise you that. I will not stop until I find them.

As you know, the drug network is like an octopus: there is the head and the tentacles. No matter how much you sever the tentacles, they’ll re-grow again for as long as the octopus’ head exists. It is indeed a challenge for me to find the head of the octopus. And I believe there are several of them. But believe me, I’ll find them.

Recently, I signed a proclamation declaring the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) and the New People’s Army (NPA) as terror organizations, following the collapse of the peace talks. I instructed the military to finish them off.

Putting all these into consideration, the following are my New Year’s resolutions for 2018:
1) I resolve to stop corruption because we cannot win the war on drugs unless we eradicate corruption.
2) I resolve to increase the size of the Philippine Navy and the Coast Guard to guard our coastline.
3) I resolve to hire more police officers to make sure that we’ll win the war on drugs.
4) I resolve to promote more generals and assign them to fight the communist rebels. My goal is to defeat them by the end of 2018.
5) I resolve to double the salary of military and police personnel to make them happy lest they might stage a coup against me.
6) I resolve to increase the pork barrel funds for congressmen and senators to insure their loyalty to me.
7) I resolve to support Sen. Manny Pacquiao for President in 2022 because in my opinion he is the only one who can beat Vice President Leni Robredo.
8) I resolve to keep Sen. Leila de Lima in detention at least through the end of my term.
9) I resolve to imprison Sen. Antonio Trillanes as punishment for opposing me.
10) I resolve that if I fail to achieve my new year’s resolutions, I’ll declare martial law nationwide and jail all my political enemies.

There is one thing that must tell you, though. I cannot stop the Chinese drug lords from their smuggling activity. They’re just too powerful and I believe high Chinese officials who are close to my idol, Xi Jinping, are protecting them. But Xi promised me that he’d look into it. Well, so much for that for now.

Happy New Year!