Upon his arrival in Los Angeles for his upcoming title fight with Mexican Antonio Margarito on Nov. 13, 2010, boxing icon Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao granted my request for an interview. We met at the posh Belvedere restaurant at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. The interview goes:
Perry: Thank you very much Congressman… err… Doctor… Pacquiao for granting me this interview.
Manny: You’re welcome. Drop the congressman doctor BS, okay? Just call me Manny.
Perry: Okay… Manny. Hey, you’re looking good! Are you ready for Margarito?
Manny: Watch me. After the third round, Margarito will be history and I’ll be drinking my Margarita! Hehehe…
Perry: I’ll drink to that! Cheers! Okay, let’s talk politics, Manny. How are you doing in your new role as a congressman?
Manny: I love it! Yup, I’m having fun! But like I said during the campaign I ran because I really want to serve my constitution.
Perry: Huh? Cons… ti… tu… Do you mean “constituents”?
Manny: Same thing, same thing.
Perry: What do you want to do for your constituents?
Manny: Well… uhh… umm… I’m going to give them jobs so they can feed their families.
Perry: That’s very noble of you. What kind of jobs you’d give them?
Manny: I have made a deal with the jueteng lords to employ my consti…tuents as kubradors. You know, jueteng bet collectors.
Perry: But jueteng is illegal, Manny!
Manny: Not really. The jueteng lords are using Small Town Lotto, which is legal, as a front to make jueteng look legit.
Perry: Hmm… But that would still make it illegal, wouldn’t it?
Manny: Don’t argue with me, okay? Jueteng provides hundreds of jobs for my consti… tuents. Like Makapili once said, “The means is the end.”
Perry: Huh? Oh, you mean, “The end justifies the means.” It’s Machiavelli who said that, not Makapili.
Manny: Same thing, same thing, okay? Now, let me tell you something. I’m going to build infra… uhh… stores in my district that would create thousands of jobs for my consti… tuents.
Perry: Infra? You mean “infrastructure,” like roads and bridges, yes?
Manny: Yes, that’s it! I’ll build lots and lots of roads and bridges in my district.
Perry: And where would you get the millions and millions of pesos to build lots and lots of roads and bridges?
Manny: Ha! Gotcha! I’ll be getting a lot of pig barrel from President Noynoy.
Perry: Pig barrel? Oh, you mean “pork barrel,” yes?
Manny: Same thing, same thing. Noynoy promised me that when I gave him a curiosity call right after his election victory.
Perry: Huh? Curiosity call? You mean “courtesy call.” Hahaha…
Manny: That’s not funny! If you laugh one more time, mark my sentence, I’ll knock you out!
Perry: Sorry. Yes, I’ll mark your sen… uhh… word. But weren’t you for Manny Villar?
Manny: That was just for show. Noynoy was my secret candidate. Hehehe…
Perry: Now, I’m confused. Let’s change the subject. What is your position on reproductive health, family planning, and birth control?
Manny: Well, on that reproduce thing, I’m a middle man.
Perry: Middle man? Hmm… You mean you’re in the middle and haven’t made up your mind yet, right?
Manny: That’s right! But on family planning, I’m for it cuz I’m very good at planning.
Perry: Oh, really? Would you explain, please?
Manny: Well, I like to plan for my family’s vacation trips, picnics, birthday parties, Christmas parties, and all that good stuff. Hehehe…
Perry: I see… okay… How about birth control? Where do you stand on birth control?
Manny: I’m a man so I don’t have to worry about giving birth. That’s my wife’s problem.
Perry: Well… what I mean by “birth control” is how many children do you plan on having?
Manny: I have two now. I want one more. And that’s it! No more babies after that.
Perry: What are you going to do then to stop making more babies?
Manny: Hehehe… You know, Perry, I’m a very religious man. So what I’ll do is to practice cebilacy.
Perry: Cebilacy? What the heck is that?
Manny: It’s like what priests do… cebilacy. You know, no sex.
Perry: Oh, you mean “celibacy”! Hahaha… You are really funny, Manny. You make me laugh! Cebilacy? Hahaha… It’s “celibacy,” not “cebilacy.” Hahaha….
Manny: I’ll show you what cebilacy is! Assho…
I didn’t see his punch coming. It was so fast. It hit me on the head. I fell and landed on the floor. I was dizzy… dark. I saw twinkling little stars. Then the phone rang. I picked it up… “Hello.” “Good morning Mr. Diaz. This is your wake-up call. Have a wonderful day,” the caller said and hung up. Gee, that was another bad dream.