I received a WikiLeaks recording of the private meeting between Philippine President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III and Chinese President Hu Jintao prior to their official bilateral meeting in Beijing during P-Noy’s state visit to China. The conversation went as follows:
Hu: Good afternoon, President Aquino. Welcome to China!
P-Noy: Gung hay fat choy, President Hu.
Hu: Huh? I didn’t know it’s New Year in the Philippines?
P-Noy: Well… we celebrate New Year everyday! Hehehe….
Hu: No wonder, you’re always smiling, President Aquino.
P-Noy: Just call me P-Noy. Can I just call you Hu?
Hu: Okay, Pee Noi. Hu is okay since it can’t be shorter than that. Gotcha! Hahaha…
P-Noy: We can make it a bit longer… like Huhu? We do that all the time. Like my vice president Jejomar Binay, we call him Jojo. And there’s Ferdinand Marcos Jr. His nickname is Bongbong.
Hu: That’s interesting. It almost sounds like bang bang, which reminds me when we executed three Filipino “drug mules” for drug trafficking. Bang bang! By the way, have you buried the remains of Marcos yet?
P-Noy: We’re getting there. The biggest issue is where to bury him. The Marcoses have been waiting for my decision since February.
Hu: Gee, Pee Noi, he’s been dead for more than 20 years and you haven’t decided where to bury him? No wonder your country is left behind in the 20th century.
P-Noy: Well, it’s not as simple as that, Hu.
Hu: I guess so. I heard that you’re having a hard time making decisions, my friend.
P-Noy: My philosophy is: If you don’t make decisions, you don’t make mistakes.
Hu: But the biggest mistake a leader makes whether it is good or bad, right or wrong is not making a decision at all.
P-Noy: Well, I’d rather let the chips fall where they may.
Hu: Isn’t that what Filipinos call, “Bahala na”? By the way, how’s your love life?
P-Noy: Well, it was like Coca-Cola. It was “regular” before the election. When I took over, it became “light.” Then it became “zero.” And now with all the problems we’re having, it’s no longer like a Coca-Cola, it’s “sub-zero” like a frozen Margarita. I feel like I’m sitting on top of an iceberg.
Hu: Whoa! That could freeze your cojones! Hahaha…
P-Noy: Yes, to say the least. Tell me, Hu, with more than one billion Chinese, how do you resolve your problems?
Hu: Have you heard of Mao’s dictum: “Power comes from the barrel of a gun”? You’re a shooter; you should know that, my friend.
P-Noy: Well, I only shoot paper targets, Hu.
Hu: So I see. You should start shooting “drug mules” like we do here. That will definitely stop drug trafficking in you country. Take it as a friendly advice, my dear friend.
P-Noy: Thank you, Hu. As a token of my appreciation I’d like to present you with a personal gift. Here it is.
Hu: What is this?
P-Noy: It’s called the “barrel man.” It’s a wooden statuette of a man partially hidden inside a round wooden barrel. If you lift the barrel, it triggers a mechanism.
Hu: Is this some kind of a gun? Does it shoot?
P-Noy: Try it. Go ahead and lift the barrel.
Hu: Okay… here it is… I’m lifting it now… (takes a deep breath).
P-Noy: Bang bang!
Hu: Whoa! What is this? Oh! It’s a pen… Whew! Hahaha…. This is really funny, Pee Noi! I like your sense or humor. Hahaha….
P-Noy: I’m glad you like it, Hu.
Hu: I have a present for you, too. Here it is.
P-Noy: What is this? It looks like a dead bird!
Hu: It’s a delicacy. It’s Peking duck. But this one is specially cooked for you. It’s marinated in Spratly oil.
P-Noy: Spratly oil??? Hmm… Please explain, Hu.
Hu: The oil was extracted from the Reed Bank in the Spratly archipelago.
P-Noy: Reed Bank? That’s ours! We call it Recto Bank! The Spratlys are ours!
Hu: No! It’s ours! We call the Spratlys “Nansha” and the entire South China Sea is ours!
P-Noy: We call it the West Philippine Sea! And we’ll defend it to the last man. There’s a group of Filipino-Americans who say, “The Spratlys are worth dying for!”
Hu: Well, my friend, there are a billion Chinese who’ll defend the South China Sea and the Spratlys to the last man! And we have an aircraft carrier to defend them.
P-Noy: But we have a mutual defense treaty with Uncle Sam who’d come to our aid if you attacked us! Uncle Sam has 11 aircraft carriers.
Hu: Hey, that’s not fair! This is a “family feud” among us, Asians. Asia for all Asians! We all prosper together! We’re family. So don’t bring your Uncle Sam into this dispute?
P-Noy: Hohoho… Nice try, Hu. The Japanese tried that “co-prosperity” b.s. in 1940. Look what happened then. It led to World War II. It’s a good thing good old Dougie Mac returned to liberate us from the Japanese.
Hu: Okay, okay, Pee Noi. Let’s agree to disagree, okay?
P-Noy: Okay. Are we still going to sign a $60-billion five-year development program?
Hu: Of course, my dear friend. Consider it as a gift from the Chinese people.
P-Noy: A gift? Hmm… Uncle Sam told me, “Beware of Chinese bearing Peking duck marinated in Spratly oil.”
Hu: That’s a good one, Pee Noi. Touché! Hahaha…
P-Noy: Gotcha! Bang bang! Hehehe….
