P-Noy and the Cola Wars

P-Noy and the Cola Wars

Some people might question President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III’s leadership style but a lot would agree that he’d make a good comedian — Dolphy and Panchito, Tugak and Pugak, Apeng Daldal all rolled into one. When P-Noy gets himself in a tight spot like making a decision, he morphs into Peenoy, the comedian. And it works!

P-Noy is so good at doing it that when he was on a state visit to China, he averted a cold war with China. It was reported that when he met the Filipino community in Beijing, he told them, “Someone asked me about my love life. I said it’s just like Coca-Cola. Before, it was Regular, and then it became Light. Now it’s Zero.”

It’s a joke that went viral around the world. According to my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec, P-Noy’s Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang was overwhelmed with thousands of requests to book Peenoy in comedy shows around the world.

But while the Coca-Cola joke averted a cold war, it triggered another “Cola War” between the two soft drink giants, Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola. Immediately, Pepsi Cola ran an ad that said, “Love Life? Go from Zero to Max.” I won’t be surprised if Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola would ask P-Noy to become their poster boy in their promo ads.

How’s this for a Coca-Cola ad: “If you’re maxed out in your love life, it’s time to take a break — relax and drink Coke Zero!”
And, how’s this for a Pepsi Cola ad: “If your love life is down to Zero, it’s time to spice it up to the Max – drive a Porsche and drink Pepsi Max!”
These ads seem to reflect P-Noy’s real love life story. It’s like a roller coaster — from one girlfriend to another – in short time spans. P-Noy could be dating someone this month, then no dates next month, and then dating another woman the following month. Yup, from Max to Zero to Max. Some people call that – “life in the fast lane!”

Can’t blame him. He is after all, the most eligible bachelor in the Philippines if not the world… and the most traveled, too! Right after he arrived from China, he announced that he’s going to the United States and Japan. It seems like he’s going to break former president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s junketing record. Imagine, three junkets in the month of September? And possibly a side trip to Mexico? Hmm…

Funny, but I just heard that one of P-Noy’s criteria for visiting a country is he receives a doctoral degree from a university in that country. In New York, he’d be conferred a doctoral degree from the prestigious Fordham University. No, there’s no truth that the conferment comes with an honorarium. The conferment is honoris causa (“for the sake of the honor”) and not honorarium causa (for the sake of money).

I also heard that P-Noy’s travel secretary is still “shopping” for a university in England who’d confer P-Noy an honorary doctoral degree. So far there are no takers. Why don’t they try Nigeria? Nigeria has the only university in the world that specializes in scams. Have you ever received a Nigerian letter?
I think it’s about time P-Noy stop collecting honorary degrees and get a real degree; that is, MD or Marriage Degree. With so many ex-girlfriends – around 24 including some who denied meeting him – he shouldn’t have any difficulty finding someone with a Coca-Cola body and Pepsi Max energy.

Talking of marriage, P-Noy’s former girlfriend, Shalani Soledad, is getting married to congressman Roman Romulo. When P-Noy was told the news, his reaction was an ice-cold Zero, “I was not aware.”

And talking about “talking,” the rumor that P-Noy was dating celebrity Iza Calzado was just that, a rumor. In reaction to the buzz going around in the chismis circuit, Iza said, “Talking doesn’t equate with dating the president.” Well, “talking” is always a good start, which could lead to something better. It would be different if it’s “look only” or as we say it in Tagalog, “Ligaw tingin,” which means, literally, “courting by looking.” Isn’t that how the apes do it? But it’s effective — from Zero to Max… instantly!

Iza said that she had recently broken up with her longtime boyfriend and isn’t ready to go into dating again. Well, that puts her now at par with P-Noy… Zero. Like they say, “Misery loves company.”

P-Noy’s apple of his eye… While speaking in Bais City, Negros Oriental last week, P-Noy mentioned twice in his speech that he finds Mayor Karen Villanueva – a 31-year-old chinita — “gwapa” or beautiful. Never give up P-Noy! One of these days, a beautiful Pinay with a Coca-Cola body and who drinks Pepsi Max will appear in your life.

News report… “President Benigno Aquino III said he would present a recovery and reconstruction package to newly elected Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda during his official visit to Tokyo at the end of the month,” says the news report. P-Noy was reported to have said, “We are preparing a package on how we can assist them to recover after that. We owe them a debt of gratitude, and now that they are the ones who are in need, we want to be able to repay them.”

If I remember it right, when P-Noy offered to send volunteers to help the earthquake and tsunami victims in Japan, the Japanese government politely declined his offer. Now, P-Noy is raising the bar – he wants to show the Japanese how to recover and reconstruct after a major catastrophe, which reminds me how it was done when typhoon Ondoy struck Manila two years ago – pointing fingers!

Yesterday’s “joke of the day”… Speaking to Chinese investors in China, P-Noy deadpanned, “Now is the time for Chinese firms to invest in infrastructure, tourism and agriculture projects in the Philippines as it would soon be the region’s northern gateway and emerging economic power.” Tawa naman. Emerging economic power? That’s funny. He he he…

Today’s “joke of the day”… The Department of Foreign Affair announced, “Aside from promoting the Philippines, President Benigno Aquino III will deliver a lecture on how to fight corruption in government and on people empowerment during his visit to the United States.” Huh? How to fight corruption??? Tawa naman……….. Pleeeze, tawa naman kayo diyan. Nobody’s laughing? Hmm…

In Mexico… President Felipe Calderon said that P-Noy will always be welcome to visit his country. Perhaps, P-Noy can deliver a lecture on how to fight drug trafficking in Mexico. Send the “Alabang Boys” to Mexico! Now, that’s not funny. Boo… boo….
I wonder what’s next on Peenoy’s comedy act?